03 October, 2002

What is fun?

Tomorrow is my Calculus midterm exam.

So why aren't I studying?

I don't know. I guess I'm just stupid. I feel like being here, online. I don't feel like studying. I don't feel like going to the TKE party on campus this weekend either. Does that make me weird?

I'm 21, yet I've never been to a frat party. I've never gone to a club, either. I've never been to a bar.

Am I anti-social? Perhaps. Ok, probably.

But I think I prefer it this way. Not to be totally anti-social, but to be as I am. I mean, I've gone to parties that my friends have had at their houses, and I used to have parties at my house, too. But I can't say that I've really had fun at them... Not in its truest sense.

So how do I have fun?

You know, that's a really good question.

I think I can remember having fun in the past... I remember playing games outside with my friends back in grammar school... I remember enjoying the thrills of sneaking out of my house to spend time with my first fling...

...But in the present time, ... I don't think I have fun anymore. I'm never happy.

Sometimes I smile at funny things, and I laugh at comedic movies. But far more often, I watch and read drama. I dream drama. And I imagine tragedy.

I think I'm depressed. And what's worse is that I think I've been depressed for so long that I don't even realize how depressed I really am.

But sometimes I see a glimmer of light. Sometimes, as I read a physics book or argue an interesting point to a colleague, I think in my mind, Am I having fun now? Is this what I've been missing? By the fact that I ask myself these questions, I believe I can safely assume that during those rare moments, I actually am enjoying myself.

But they don't come very often.


I should be studying right now.

Good night, diary.

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