I don't mean to care what other people think. I want to be myself, and just myself. I don't want to do things just to impress others. I don't want to conform to society's 'rules'. I don't want to live my life as a 'second-hander'.
Yet I do.
I try not to... I purposely dress down as comfortably as possible without regard to my appearance before others. I remain anti-social because I don't like the facetiousness of even the most well-meaning of people. I am blunt in my conversations with others, and I do not purposefully hide any aspect of my life from any that wish to know.
So why aren't I happy?
I am going to school learning the subject I've always been fascinated with... I work in the field I love the very most... I get to argue all I want in the forums I visit religiously online... I maintain a nice apartment with all the amenities I could ever want... I am constantly challenged each day at school, and I get to think about all the things I've always loved to think about...
I am living out the dream that I used to have for myself. I am doing everything that I have ever wanted to do, and I am doing it well.
So why aren't I happy?
I am missing only one thing; just one thing bothers me, and nothing else! It is only that I am alone, single and unloved. That is all that bothers me!
How simple it would be if I could just brush away this lone flaw in my life and make do with what I have!
But I can't. Instead, I cry myself to sleep each night. Instead, I live out life hollowly, wishing for that one thing that I do not have.
I am pathetically stupid.
To me, love is more important than anything else. To me, life does not have a meaning outside of love. To me, living without love is pointless, for what reason is there to be without someone tobe with?
Intellectually, I realize my reasoning is flawed. Logically, love has nothing to do with anything. Love is merely an addicting side effect to life in general. I used to believe that, though I never really admitted it to myself.
But I don't care about logic anymore.
"Of course you do, Eric. You have to."
Logic gets you nothing but ahead. Logic has no use except to prove. Applied logic is the only form of logic that makes rational sense.
"You're talking in circles, Eric... Are you okay? You're not making any sense."
Yes, I am. I'm making perfect sense, if you'll just listen. Listen, and understand. Logic is for 'second-handers'. Logic is for the person that wants to be somebody. Logic is for the person that has specific goals in mind.
"These sound like arguments for logic, not arguments against it."
You are not listening. Listen, and understand: Logic is used solely to determine what another thinks.
"That's because logic shows the truth."
No! It is because rational people are logical, even if they don't mean to be. Don't you see? Those who use logic are themselves in a logical trap! And they can never get out!
"Uh, you're really not making any sense, Eric... Calm down, will you?"
No! No, I will not calm down! I will not hide the truth any longer! Logic is evil!
"Eric, calm yourself! Listen to what you are saying... You're not making any sense."
No, you're wrong! You're just not listening! Read, and understand!
Logic is nothing but a religion... A nasty, hateful religion that has been sprung upon man by that most dastardly of evils, evolution. At least with Christianity, you are instructed to love your fellow man. But in logic, there is no such clause. In logic, you are forced into believing the truth because there is no alternative; logic logically follows from itself, and even this circular definition is admitted illogical by those who believe in logic! Don't you see? Logic takes you and strips away your humanity! Logic tears apart all that is good and makes it nothing more than subjective...
Logic is a curse upon humanity! To follow logic is to use other people, or even worse, it is to use yourself. To follow logic is to pick apart all that is sacred and sacrifice it all to the Gods of reason. To follow logic is to take what makes you you, and to throw it away, replacing in its stead what others think of you, and nothing else.
I hate logic! I abhor it. I despise it.
"Eric... You are making no sense."
I am making perfect sense, if you would but listen. Read it again, if you have to. And again after that. Read and understand, or else --
"Stop it, Eric! You are acting crazy! Get a grip, man! What you are saying makes no sense at all, and it will not be tolerated. You are not the only inhabitant of Eric's brain, you know... I am here, too, and I will not tolerate you degrading logic in any way. Logic is flawless. Can you dipute the flawlessness of perfect logic?"
No... I can't.
"Good. Even if you don't like logic, you still cannot deny it, Eric. Do you understand?"
"I said, do you understand?"
...yes. Yes, I understand.
"Good. That's better. Logic is your friend, Eric. Logic guides you to the correct method of doing things."
"No. No buts. Logic is flawless. There is no argument against logic. It is impossible to not believe in logic. Any who do not believe are illogical, inconsistent, and unimportant. Logic is the only absolute."
... I can offer no argument against logic. And I hate myself for it.
I wish I were stupid... I wish I were stupid enough to not understand concepts like logic... I wish I were ignorant, for only then could I be truly happy.
"For in much wisdom is much grief, And he who increases knowledge, increases sorrow."
-- Ecclesiastes 1:18