True Meaning

Him: "I showed it to you because I thought you might like it. I like it. I ... I watch it at least once each day."
Me: "Yes, ... yes, I can definitely see why, my friend. That... that was beautiful."
Him: "Yes. Now you know how I felt when I first saw it."
Me: "Yes. Yes, I think that I do." 

... 

::sigh:: I find myself wondering whether or not everything is as I see it... Is life as I encounter it? Or is life what I have not yet found it to be?
I cannot recall a time when I did not feel unease.... Baram was surreal. I felt unsteady with P. It was strange at ASMS. It was even stranger at LA. Even Roni made me feel so very weird... 

Even when I was the one doing the enrolling, life did not seem real. They were just too big. 

My whole life has been fiction... Not in that it was not real, but in that none of it felt real. None of it. Even now, in college, it is because I had to hide something. 

Nothing is real to me. 

"It has taken me almost 3 years to get up the courage to write this."
...
"But she was close... Oh so very close... It is as though she sees the right direction, but is unable to fully grasp it."
"I can feel it, almost... It's like a presence, except it isn't there."
"At least, I see nothing there with my eyes."

"Though this be madness, yet there is method in it." 

Is it wrong to quote? To repeat? To continue what came before? I asked one of my professors whether or not I had to cite myself when I repeated my own quote. ... 

I just don't get it. Why must the world breed such stupidity? Everyone I know I also despise, even those I love. Surely this is not healthy.
Surely. 

Yet even now the world stops before me, twirling about my finger, supported by four great elephants upon a huge turtle floating in the sea of seas... 

I don't get it. If I'm so smart, then why am I so stupid? If I'm so strong, then why am I so weak? If I'm so able, then why do I fail so miserably? 

At least Phoe jumped on a trampoline. And when none was available, he used a mattress, left out in the yard to be ruined by the elements. And when that was unavailable, he used pillows atop his couch. 

I thought him so stupid... 

And yet now I know that he was the smarter of the two of us. 
Alas! for torturous screams are naught when compared to the eerie silence of my joints! Another man's bones may break, but mine - Oh, Mine! - they hold so tightly, gripping with less cartilidge than any other man can claim. My own heart deserts thyself - myself - for we are one and the same, you and I, forever held together by the bounds of such sacred rites as that I never saw again.
Kiss me, you fool! yet the cry is meaningless without direction, and whom is there to heed my call? Dawn breaks, and with it my soul; lost forever in the depths of deepest horror lies happiness - true happiness - that of which the likes has never been seen in heaven. But the road to hell is paved with evil actions, and civility is not quite the same. Tear me open and patch me up again; beat me senseless and hurt my every pore... It is such that I wish, for it is such that I desire evermore, always and forever...
always and forever...
a never-ending call for me to rescind what I once was, and yet what then would I have left? Aye, I may only be but a shadow of an empty shell of a man, but at least I have my memories! At least I may cry and see in mine own tears that merry wanderer of the night! At least I may die and watch in that last moment a repeat of all I cared for above and beyond forevermore and without end... 

always and forever... 

Yet harsh sentiment returns, not to harm, but to teach! to care! to love! For in love lies knowledge, and in knowledge lies that which may never be stated more intensely than what was first condemned as that most horrid act... If I may rape, then what ought I? If I may rape, then life may choke, and Gaea may stay away, far away, always and forever...

take me away... please, take me away... 

::sigh:: 

I hate you, P, for giving me a level of sanity. I would much prefer to be without help, dying in a field of cotton. F you, P. 
take me away...