04 November, 2002

My Type

I should be doing my English paper right now. But I'm not. 

I wonder... Is it that I just procrastinate too much? Or perhaps do I just have much to say tonight? Or maybe I just don't like this particular paper assignment? Who knows? 

I like my English professor. Keep in mind, of course, that I don't mean to say that I would like to date her specifically or anything, but it is true that my English professor is precisely the 'type' of girl that I most find attractive. My English professor is not into the hard sciences; literature is more of her cup of tea. But she respects those sciences, and is actually mildly interested in them. She shows a great deal of enjoyment in history and literature, specifically in 'jolly old England'. She talks critically, but emotionally, and she loves to see the inner side of things that most people never question. She is, in other words, my kind of woman. Of course, I don't mean her specifically, but rather her type. She is the type of person whom, on Halloween she has to work all day and so does not dress up in a costume, yet her choice of outfit makes it look as though she has in fact put on a costume. I don't mean to say the way she dresses looks like a costume, but rather that it just feels... I don't know... I guess it just looks 'right'. 

A week or so ago, I wore a Winnie The Pooh shirt to school without even realizing what I was doing, and I was promptly told that "It's just not you, Eric." I asked them what they meant by that, and the reply was this: "You're not the type of person that wears logos or words or pictures on your shirts. You don't even wear stripes -- just solid colors. Wearing that shirt is so very out of character for you." In the same way, I cannot imagine my English professor wearing 'conventional' clothing. She would somehow look 'wrong' if she wore such... I don't know if that makes any sense, but I can think of no other way of putting it. The problem that I have with love is the possibility that I could find love if I look hard enough. It seems so very important, and yet the triviality of it simply astounds me. There are few people in this world that I could love, but still -- doesn't the fact that I concede the possibility of multiple loves go against my own feelings on the subject?

"All or none." 

And yet, I know such to be true. I know what love is; not just love, but love. Or do I? How can I admit to knowing a thing, no matter the simplicity of its nature? 

"This and this alone." 

I scare myself. Not because I am scary, but because I am not scary. Because if I, of all people, am not particularly scary, then who is? That, in itself, is a scary thought indeed. I feel like Delita. Like Keating. Like Yajerobi. I feel as though the world owes me nothing, and yet I am still demanding payment. It hurts. And yet it doesn't hurt as much as it did just a few days ago... After talking to Emp, life seems that much more bearable. Not because Emp is important (though he is to me), but because Emp exists. It is simply the fact that somebody -- anybody -- out there is still capable of true thought. That fact alone comforts me. My ultimate goal is clear. It has been clear for a while now. And yet... am I right in working towards that goal? If the argument against it is that getting there is torment, then the question boils down to this: Do the ends justify the means? 

Question: Why look for a love that you've already found? Why bother oneself with a search that will likely fail when the search has already been completed? Why does what has already come have to be so ruined? Why cannot evil be undone? What prevents the concept of a 'second chance'? Ugh, what ugly questions. I should not be sitting here, writing this diary entry. I have homework to finish. Damn me for causing my own self yet more work. I have to be up in the morning in five hours, and I've yet to start on my paper that's due tomorrow. I hate how stupid I truly am. ::sigh::

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