I met Emp at Carpe Diem the other day. We talked for hours upon hours upon hours. If I had to assign a number, I would say it was around a twelve hour conversation. And yet I was sad to see him go at the end of our meeting, though it was three or four in the morning by then.
I hadn't seen Emp for a very long time... It was very nice to get to talk to him again, especially since it was in person. I had forgotten how much I enjoy his company. He made me smile. I don't smile often anymore. He even bought me dinner. And he left a thirty percent tip for the waitress. We talked of logic and physics and life and heating cold rooms. We talked of BS and Magic and Jupiter and funky looking trees and holy looking trees. We talked of grass and pencils and breaking phones and fortune cookies and sex.
But for me, the most comforting subject we covered was love. The problem with logic is that it disavows love. I can handle the loss of religion through logic. I can handle the concept of relative morality through logic. But to disavow love simply because logic tells me it is so? That is unnacceptable.
To my future self: Don't forget the value of friendship. Talk to someone who cares -- get what you are thinking out in the open -- and you will feel better. You may not solve anything, but you will feel better nonetheless.
I feel better. Talking to Emp was stressful; it hurt at the time. But it was so very much worth it. He actually listened to me. I mean, he really did listen. In all of my life, I've known only four people who actually listened to me, and only three that understood what I was saying. Of those four, only Emp remains. And I am so very glad that he is there. I am scared, though... I feel as though I am using him, and it hurts. Of all the things in the world for me to feel, the feeling of using Emp is the worst I could feel right now, and yet I feel it anyway. I kept Emp up all night listening to me even knowing that he had to be at work the next morning. I shouldn't have done that. Emp does not exist in my life solely for my use; I must know him as a friend just as much as he knows me. Aak taught me that. But how? He asks for nothing in return... He is so selfless... Or is it that he is selfish? Perhaps he is using me even as I fear that I am using him? Perhaps I am a source of intellectual conversation for him, a delicacy that he has craved for as long as I have. Perhaps he is as grateful for my presence as I am for his... To tell the truth, I do not know. All of what I say is pure speculation, and nothing more.
I wish I were female... Being male has caused more problems with my psyche than I'd care to admit.
"From Los Angeles to Birmingham..."
I realize that tonight's entry is tough to follow for most readers of this diary, but I don't care. Most of the lines I've said above are references to things that most of you can't possibly get, since they're imporant only to me. I am writing this entry not for the general population, but for my future self. Still, please understand that I am not trying to hide anything here. For me, the intent of this open diary is to admit everything publicly, without care for privacy on any issue at all. At any time, for any reason, any who read this may feel free to contact me at EricJHerboso@yahoo.com, or else by IM -- I always use the moniker 'EricJHerboso', whether it's on AIM, MSN, yahoo, or whatever. Anyway, it is now late, and I have to start on a paper which is due in exactly seven hours. I don't guess I'll be getting any sleep tonight...
[Note Added on November 14, 2004: My current e-mail address is ericherboso (at) gmail.com.]