14 November, 2002

Incoherence? Or truth?

Fear envelopes my very being. 

I am staying up all night, but to what end? The air conditioner runs non-stop here in the mac lab. 

I am mad because geocities refuses to accept either shtml or php extensions. But I should be grateful; after all, I am getting that webspace for free. 

No one else is alive. Everything is quiet here, except for Mary and me. I can hear us both typing, and I hear the air conditioner running, and that is all. No one else is awake this late. 

I have a chemistry test in a few hours. I am not ready for it. Instead, it scares me. 
It scares me because I don't know how I'm going to cope with everything. I have so much to do and so little time to do it in. 

I'm scared. 

I'm scared because I don't know what I am doing. I am scared because I actually have to study for my classes. I am scared because... 

...I don't know. I'm just scared. I'm too scared to sleep in my apartment right now. I'm too scared to be alone. I'm too scared to believe I even exist. 

Dr. Allin refused to believe in the concept of 'nothing' scientifically. Dr. Allin scared me. What if what I think is logical is really illogical? What if I have a fault that I myself am unaware of? 

Damn that dog, Lady. I hate her. 

Hit me, Clyde. Hit me hard, with a train. Hit me and leave me to die in Thamasa. 

I'm scared. Scared of being left. Scared of being approached. Scared of answering such simple questions when asked so innocently of me. 

I would do much right now for a federal pin, you know. I wold give up intelligence for strength, if that strength gained for me what intelligence could not. I want to be normal, just for once. Just once. I want to see Robert Jordan's tree. Just once. 

And it scares me. 

Hold me, please. Someone... Anyone... Doesn't anyone care? Am I left to be alone forevermore, left to die in Thamasa, left wihout even a chance of an interception? ...without Lady? 


Kill me, please. Or at least kill my thoughts. Do not let me wallow in such evil hurt... Do not force me to take the road more traveled in that yellow wood. Do not say to me that anything is impossible. 


...Just kill me. Please. 

It's either that or hug me; I will accept either choice.

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