06 November, 2002

Illogic & The Idle Banter Of Normalcy

As I sit here typing this, I am helping others with their homework. At first, there seems to be nothing wrong with that, but if you look at it logically, then there is. 

You see, if I help someone with their homework and because of it they end up doing better than I did at this school, then that bumps me down one notch in the final standing at the end of the year. Furthermore, if the class grades are re-interpreted at the end of the semester depending upon the relative grades of students, then it benefits my grade to have as many people below me as possible. (If I get a 98% and the next highest is 96%, then my final grade will be readjusted to a full 100%, while theirs becomes a mere 98%.) Thusly, it behooves me to not help any other students here at this college. 

And yet I still sit here, helping others with homework. And I have no real reason to do so. 

I am reminded of Rachel, back in middle school. Sometimes, she would forget her lunch money, and I would offer to let her 'borrow' money from me so that she wouldn't go hungry. I did this numerous times, and I was never paid back. Yet although I knew I'd never be paid back, I still gave her the money. I gave it to her because I was infatuated with her, and at the time, I actually considered the money that I lost to be worth what I gained in getting to talk to her as I let her 'borrow' money. Yes, I realize it was childish. But I was allowed -- remember I was still a child back then. Yet at least with Rachel I had a logical reason for doing what I did, however stupid that reason may have been... 

Nowadays, I don't put up with people not paying me back what I loan them. Instead, I offer help with homework for free. As in 'no charge'. And I get nothing out of it. For example, tonight I sit here helping Mary with her C++ programming homework. Now don't get me wrong; I do consider her a friend. And I don't mind being in her presence. But, quite frankly, the conversation is seriously lacking. 

I don't mean to say we don't talk. That's not true. We talk of a great many things. But none of it really interests me. Conversation never turns into something I can enjoy. I don't care about TV shows or how the climate is in Paris. I abhor small talk. Every once in a while, a subject will arise that I could really get into, like the fact that she's a vegetarian. I could get into the philosophy behind it and the reasoning and everything -- but it doesn't work. She just doesn't like to talk. 

No, that's not right. She loves to talk. That's not what I mean. I mean her words are empty; they lack substance. When she talks, it is not of anything important. And it bugs me. 

I didn't mind so much at first. She was interesting to me in other ways, most notably in that she was worldly and had much to tell me about places she had been. But that got pretty old pretty fast. And so now I spend my time here helping her with homework, yet I gain nothing from it. In fact, I could possibly be hurt by it grade-wise. Don't get me wrong -- she is still my friend. But to tell the truth, I'd rather be sleeping right now. After all, I do have a class at eight thirty tomorrow morning. So why am I here? Do I not have a logical reason, or is there a logical reason that I am somehow missing? I just don't know. 

I wonder... What would happen if I tried to talk to her? I mean as in really and truly talking to her. What if I brought up a discussion on what is truly on my mind (see previous entries)... What would happen? Would I be laughed at? Would she not comprehend my meaning? Would she surprise me and actually talk to me about it? After all, maybe I am being too harsh. Maybe this is yet another example of prejudice on my part. Maybe I should try talking about it first and see what happens, rather than assume I'd get no response. 

I think I'll try just that. Wish me luck.

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