Through talking to others over the years, I’ve learned that what I think of as my “conscience” is very different from the ordinary person’s conscience. While it is true that I do feel badly about certain things from time to time, they are almost never the same things that others continue to maintain that I should feel badly about.
Sometimes, when I am feeling particularly down, I look back on events from my past that I honestly regret:
- the fact that I borrowed money rather than earned money while in college
- the ignorant moment when I used the word “irregardless” in front of P in a non-ironic manner
- the continued purchases of video games that I could instead pirate & send the proceeds to needy families in Ethiopia
Some of these items include:
- losing control of my temper and destroying a dorm window w/ my bare hand, leaving others to pay the bill
- making fun of a fellow classmate nehind her back (longtime readers will remember her as Total Recall) just because I felt she was not a particularly ‘deep’ individual
- being physically violent with others in a most cruel and continual way during my first few formative relationships
But there are other items as well, including:
- looking at breasts, as aforementioned
- telling the truth in my public blog entries, even if they include another person
- claiming that I’ve been vegetarian for six years, even though I recently ate meat on purpose in a fit of depression (I justify this lie by being honest on this blog (and twitter) concerning it)
- not talking to nor particularly caring to get to know people who are, after all, my family by blood
- thinking God and religion in general is a plague on mankind that should be strictly controlled by atheistic forces
- not having nor desiring any contact w/ at least one genetic child of mine
To tell the truth, this diversity of opinion makes me happy. Personally, I think engineering is exceedingly boring when compared to theoretical physics, but I fully understand that engineers are needed for physicists to work their magic. It’s a good thing that different people have different things they like. Yet I still appreciate beyond measure the rare individual who shares my thoughts on these issues. For it is only with those such people that I can ever fully let my guard down and participate openly, as equals.
And that is an experience that I will always treasure.