02 October, 2002

Swallowing My Pride

We grew crystals in chemistry class today.

I've always been extremely interested in quantum physics, but chemistry is a whole different ballgame. To me, chemistry is too similar to cooking to be fun. You have to be so careful for good results in the laboratory, and I'm always so very clumsy with such things.

At least, I am in my own mind. Everyone else seems to think I'm great, but not me. I feel like I'm screwing everything up every time I get in the lab, even though I get near perfect lab grades.

Am I just not recognizing my own skill?

I find that hard to believe, because I am so very confident in other areas...

Yet, somehow I feel strange here in college. All my life, I've been the best student in class, the brightest kid on the block, the most efficient worker in the building. But now...

I guess I'm the best math student, but my math professor knows so much more than I do!

I know that it is stupid for me to say that... I mean, why do I even think to compare myself with my own professor?

Yet it still feels strange. I've never met _anyone_ better than me at something intellectual. _Ever._ None of my high school teachers, my bosses at work, even my friends online.

So now I look to my professors and realize that each and every one of them (except my C++ teachers) is more knowledgable than me in their own field.

::sigh:: What's even worse is that there's a chemistry student in my class that knows more about chemistry than I do. It's unnerving.

And yet, I feel so shallow typing such things... I can't say this stuff to my friends; they will think me full of myself. But I can't help it -- it's the truth.

And so I type it here. ::sigh::

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