...afraid of me.

[As copied from the journal of one of my early girlfriends.]

I understand fully his want of another. How else would it be? I have been raised in a fairy-tale world where all is goodness and light. Where love is faithfulness and marraige is an eternal bond. He distrusts me. He can not rid his mind of my mother, of the idea that I am exactly like her. He still believes that I will leave him, that I cannot truly love him. He expects hurt and disloyalty, what reason does he have to give up his previous life? Why should he believe that my love is any different, exceptional in any way? He has grown to associate "love" with violence, violence with fear. It hurts me deeply to know what he has gone through, even deeper to watch him cower in a corner...afraid of me. I want him to know my love, not fear it. I want him to allow himself freedom...to learn to trust...to receive love. I need him to know how I feel. I need him to believe that I will never lie to him. I need him to trust me.

I'm ready for this to be over with.

[As copied from the journal of one of my early girlfriends.]

I'm ready for this to be over with. I'm tired of feeling useless, worthless, I'm tired of doing everything wrong. I'm becoming apathetic, the one quality I hate the most. I hurt my love constantly because of my lack of self control, and I feel a tremendous sense of guilt. To have the knowledge that it is I whom is to blame I who has ruined his dream world. I have shattered the dreams of the one whom I love and he is beginning to lose all hope. I am the one to introduce him to a reality which he hates, it is my doing and soon he shall resent me for it. I can feel it. I do not blame him. I blame myself for the greatest mistake I could ever make. God, please let him forgive me, let him continue to love me. I cannot do it alone. Eric, I need you... I love you.

I hate.

[As copied from the journal of one of my early girlfriends. Date is uncertain and may be off by a number of months.]

I WANT TO SCREAM! I need someone.

At the moment, I hate. I hate myself and what I've become. I hate Adrianah for hurting my Love, I hate that I can't make him happy or give him what he needs. I hate what I am about to do, I hate how much love will make a person accept. I hate coming home to sleep by myself and I hate his sleeping somewhere with her. I HATE MYSELF, and my stomach, and my fucking hormones. I hate that I am so horrible to my husband. I hate that I complain. I hate my ugliness, I hate that I'm putting Eric through all of this. I want to run away and let him have his happiness. I should have gone to Illinois when I had the chance, before I ruined his life...before I ruined our life. I feel changed, like I will never be the same. How could I? I am no longer what my Eric wants and I would gladly sacrifice myself for his happiness. I want to die and give him his freedom. If you trust him, Goddamn it, let him go. Let him have his fun... make him satisfied.

If only he understood...

[As copied from the journal of one of my early girlfriends.]

If only he understood. How easy it is for him to hide it. Simply an avoidance of the topic. Myself...faced continuously with looks of conemnation or pit. He walks down the street and no one knows. Not one soul would ever suspect. His calm assurance and youthful appearance conceal his situation effectively. If I myself attempt this feat, I am met with the gazes of all who pass. Their eyes reveal their thoughts to me. Temptress, slut, impureness throughout. How presumptuous are the masses, how erroneous. Then there are those who "sympathize": poor thing, niave [sic] one. Neither do they understand. If we walk together, hand in hand, he is praised for his responsibility. After all, he was probably used, framed, perhaps just unlucky. I am accused of ruining his future. If only he could understand... I can bear no more shame.

Because I Love You

(Poem is by one of my early girlfriends, and was given to me on this date.)

I want to walk with you
hand in hand
across the years to come,
through all the hours
a single lifetime
could make…

I want to grow with you
and experience life
to its fullest measure…

And discover each day
as it passes,
in our togetherness.
I want to do for you
what your love
has done for me…

…to give as much
as I've had
of the joy of receiving,
to always look into
my heart and find
I am more in love with you
than ever before.