11 December, 1998

I hate.

[As copied from the journal of one of my early girlfriends. Date is uncertain and may be off by a number of months.]

I WANT TO SCREAM! I need someone.

At the moment, I hate. I hate myself and what I've become. I hate Adrianah for hurting my Love, I hate that I can't make him happy or give him what he needs. I hate what I am about to do, I hate how much love will make a person accept. I hate coming home to sleep by myself and I hate his sleeping somewhere with her. I HATE MYSELF, and my stomach, and my fucking hormones. I hate that I am so horrible to my husband. I hate that I complain. I hate my ugliness, I hate that I'm putting Eric through all of this. I want to run away and let him have his happiness. I should have gone to Illinois when I had the chance, before I ruined his life...before I ruined our life. I feel changed, like I will never be the same. How could I? I am no longer what my Eric wants and I would gladly sacrifice myself for his happiness. I want to die and give him his freedom. If you trust him, Goddamn it, let him go. Let him have his fun... make him satisfied.

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