08 January, 1999

...afraid of me.

[As copied from the journal of one of my early girlfriends.]

I understand fully his want of another. How else would it be? I have been raised in a fairy-tale world where all is goodness and light. Where love is faithfulness and marraige is an eternal bond. He distrusts me. He can not rid his mind of my mother, of the idea that I am exactly like her. He still believes that I will leave him, that I cannot truly love him. He expects hurt and disloyalty, what reason does he have to give up his previous life? Why should he believe that my love is any different, exceptional in any way? He has grown to associate "love" with violence, violence with fear. It hurts me deeply to know what he has gone through, even deeper to watch him cower in a corner...afraid of me. I want him to know my love, not fear it. I want him to allow himself freedom...to learn to trust...to receive love. I need him to know how I feel. I need him to believe that I will never lie to him. I need him to trust me.

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