22 May, 2012

The Drought

(Everyone has complicated lives. It is just the nature of life, I suppose, to remain complicated, no matter how much one wishes to simplify it.)

It's more important than you think.
There was a period of my life that I now call the "drought years". I don't call them this to anyone in particular, because it's a title that only I really know or use. Yet it's still what I call those years that I neglected to learn anything at all. I just...sat.

I've tried to describe it once or twice, to different people, but failed each time. I tend to get funny looks, as though I were queerer than they had ever imagined before. However, I am hopeful that maybe, just maybe, I'll have a better way of explaining here, on this journal.

Before the Drought


When I was young, I loved to learn. Sure, I'd move from topic to topic, and I'd only ever get breadth instead of depth, but I nevertheless was constantly on the lookout for new things. It was my passion. I read constantly, even to the limits of what my local library had on shelf access. I learned far more outside of school than in, and I longed for the future days when I'd be better able to do and learn more.

Sure, I had my problems back then, like everyone else. Yet, at least in terms of acquiring knowledge, it was a good time in my life. I was, in a sense, quenched.

The Drought


Then, just after starting classes at the University of South Alabama, my life derailed for a bit. I choked. Personal issues overtook me. I had thought that I could make a teenage marriage work, but I was still far too immature. Amber left (rightfully so), I dropped out of college, and my mind started focusing on other things. At sixteen, still just a child, I stopped learning. I started stagnating.

My Prize Possession of the 20th Century.
Remembering this past self is very difficult for me. Before this period, my prize possession was a copy of the Feynman Lectures on Physics. I loved that set of books, and had gone through two and half of them on sheer joy alone. But the drought hit before I'd finished book three, and I never even bothered opening it again to finish the last few lectures for several years.

It's a bit hard to describe, as I imagine you're likely imagining it as a depression, or a funk of some kind. And it is true that I was depressed, and I was in a funk. Yet the drought was something on top of all that. You see, I could still get away from my dark thoughts by retreating to comedy, or reading science fiction. I still saw exciting movies, played fun games, enjoyed time with girls, ate incredible meals, and appreciated the beauty of nature. The drought refers to none of these things. Instead, it means that I just did not learn.

Maybe I overstate the case. Perhaps I'm using the incorrect word. Of course, I learned everyday things. I saw new things and experienced new concepts. What I mean is that when I went to the library, I exclusively went to the fiction section. When I relaxed, I spent my time appreciating my surroundings more than seeking out new things to understand. I know this sounds silly and trite. At the time, it did not feel like a drought. It felt right. But, after a few years, I realized that although I had experienced much, I had not learned anything new from outside my immediate sphere of influence. The Feynman lectures still sat in the corner of my bedroom, unopened in years.

After the Drought


One day, I just snapped. Classes had already started at the local college, but I didn't care. I went to the admissions of Spring Hill College and told them I wanted in. They enrolled me the same day.

My first day of classes was everyone else's second day. The first person I met was Shawn Allin, a newly hired chemistry teacher. I was the first student at SHC to talk with him outside the classroom. We hit it off quite well: we both had a deep interest in physics, and he caught me up on all the latest developments that had happened in the field since the drought had started. We talked quasars and fields,  buckyballs and standard models. We even toasted to the ill-fated SSC. That day, he introduced me to the books of Stephen Jay Gould, a writer whose works I have been in love with ever since. I borrowed one book that first day; another two days later; yet another at the beginning of the next week. At the end of every class, I'd return another book, and he'd supply me with a new one. Sure, I could have done the same at a library, but this was different. It was social reading. It was learning. The drought was over.

Pictured is a trike found by Bill, not me.
I learned a lot that freshman semester, mostly from Shawn. Sure, I took lots of classes, but they were intro classes. Shawn introduced me to several new things, not all of which I enjoyed. We had, for example, drastically separate ideas on what constituted good music. That summer, when we went on a dinosaur dig together with his archaeologist friend, we had a number of harsh words. Bill, his friend, was somewhat of an asshole, and even though it was just the three of us on site, the grandeur of finding a triceratops scapula was not enough override my distaste for spending 18 hours a day with Bill.

My friendship with Shawn was complicated, I'll readily admit. Yet the important point was that he got the drought to end for me. After Shawn, I learned on my own again. I finished the Feynman lectures. Somewhat more impressively, I worked my way through book one of Russell & Whitehead's Principia Mathematica. Later, when Shawn died, his family gave me the first book that Shawn had ever loaned me: Gould's The Panda's Thumb. I still keep it with me not just in remembrance of my former teacher and friend, but of the spark that finally ended my drought.

Today


Technology has progressed since that bygone age. Today, there are endless podcasts, videos, and websites available to help a person learn just about anything and everything. I spend several hours of every day learning new things, and it is much, much easier than it was when I was younger. I highly doubt I will ever enter into another drought, but if I do, I will have no excuse. It's just simply too easy to learn new things these days.

So I learn.

18 May, 2012

Sociopathy

In honor of this week's (rerun) This American Life episode on The Psychopath Test, I thought it might be interesting to take the Hare Psychopathy Checklist (PCL-R) myself. Obviously, as a self-diagnosis, it is unlikely that I will get everything correct. But it's just for fun, anyway, so whatever.

The PCL-R is basically a checklist of factors which either apply not at all, somewhat, or fully. If a person showcases enough of these factors, then they are, by this model, psychopathic. Most in the field also use the word "sociopathic" as a synonym, but in some circles, the difference between sociopaths and psychopaths are the external rather than internal factors. In other words, on the inside they are the same, but sociopaths tend to not break laws, but only social taboos, while psychopaths tend to go as far as hurting other people in a malicious manner.

The factors exist in three categories. The first addresses personality. Sociopaths, in general, are aggressive narcissists. Most (though not all) sociopaths have narcissistic personality disorder and/or histrionic personality disorder. For the record, I have neither. Nevertheless, I expect to still score at least some points in the personality category of the PCL-R.

The second category addresses case history. Most (though not all) sociopaths live a socially deviant lifestyle and/or have antisocial personality disorder and/or a history of criminal behavior. I have no history of criminal behavior whatsoever, and I definitely do not have antisocial personality disorder. However, I do live what most would consider a socially deviant lifestyle, so I expect to also score some point on this category of the PCL-R.

The last category is a catch-all for traits not associated with case history or personality, yet are strongly correlated with sociopaths. This includes sexual choices, acquired behavioral schemes, and versatility of criminal planning. Since one of my core strengths is my capacity to acquire behavioral schemes, I also expect to score in this area as well.

The Test


I have self-scored myself a 0, 1, or 2 depending on whether each item describes myself not at all, somewhat, or fully. If you wish to score yourself as I did, you will need more information on each item in the checklist. Here are two unofficial sources you might want to consult: Narcissism Support and PsychForums.


  • Personality
    • Glibness: 0
    • Grandiose sense of self-worth: 0
    • Pathological lying: 1
    • Cunning: 0
    • Lack of guilt: 0
    • Shallow affect: 1
    • Callousness: 1
    • Failure to accept responsibility for own actions: 0
  • Case History
    • Proneness to boredom: 1
    • Parasitic: 1
    • Poor behavioral control: 0
    • Lack of realistic long-term goals: 0
    • Impulsivity: 0
    • Irresponsibility: 0
    • Juvenile delinquency: 0
    • Early behavior problems: 0
    • Revocation of conditional release: 0
  • Other
    • Promiscuity: 1
    • Multiplicity of short-term relationships: 1
    • Criminal versatility: 0
    • Acquired behavioral sociological conditioning: 1

The Results


Most people, according to wikipedia, will score a 3 or less on this test. Sociopaths generally score higher than 25-30. I scored 8. Of course, since I self-scored, my result is probably very far off. Maybe I am using a poor standard to test myself against. Maybe I consider some traits being somewhat descriptive of me when a professional would instead say that it is instead not at all descriptive of me. After all, I scored myself a 1 for some traits which held true in the past but which no longer hold true at all for me. Maybe those should have been scored as a 0. Nevertheless, I find it interesting that I scored as highly as I did. Does this mean I have some sociopathic tendencies?

As a follow-up, I also decided to take a look at my responses for the Levenson Self-Report Psychopathy Scale. I took the test on Personality Testing, which is maybe not the best place, but it's what I chose to use. My results were substantially different from the PCL-R.

On a scale of 1 to 5, I scored a 1.6 for primary psychopathy, related to "a selfish, uncaring and manipulative attitude towards others". I scored a 2.8 on the secondary psychopathy scale, related to impulsivity. My composite score was 0.8 (no idea how this number was arrived at), whereas the average score is between 2.8 and 3.0. Psychopathy correlates with scores higher than 4.6.

In other words, according to the Levenson Self Report Psychopathy Scale, I am apparently much less likely to be a sociopath than the average person taking their test. This result is completely contrary to the result I received on the PCL-R.

Of course, I really shouldn't pay either of these results any real attention. Labels tend to get in the way more than they help when you are dealing with individuals. (The usefulness of labels accrues exponentially when dealing with large groups, however.) All that matters for me is that I am myself, and that I am comfortable and happy with whom I am. I hope those few who read this will agree.

16 May, 2012

The Schmoss of My Career


Today, I received news that I'd been dropped from the selection process of the career opportunity I'd been working toward the past three months. It was, as you might well imagine, devastating news.

The Oxford job was a long shot anyway, but I certainly hadn't been treating it like one. I put a lot of effort and personal attention into the various steps of the selection process. More effort, in fact, than I'd ever exerted for any previous position. Yet it was not enough. I can't blame them, really, as I do not hold a graduate degree in philosophy. I guess I should just be proud for having gotten as far as I did with my minimal level of qualifications. .:sigh:.

At this point, I imagine you might be wondering why I'm saying this so openly on my blog. After all, it doesn't seem like the sort of thing that a person would want to talk about in a public space. Yet this is flatly unjust.

It is not just our successes that should be lauded, but our failures, too. Only by showcasing our defeats can we ever fully help to broaden society's acceptance and understanding of the fact that failures do, in fact, happen.

Nevertheless, I still feel a bit defeated. Only three short months ago, I seemed so enthusiastic:





And now, I'm left feeling a bit dejected. It's not that I don't enjoy freelancing, but this had been the only salaried position I'd even consider seeking, due to its combination of ethics, philosophy, and actionable social good. Now, it's back to writing content and creating salable code. My dreams will have to wait for the next opportunity to arise.

(The title, by the way, refers to Shelly Kagan's definition of "schmoss" in his excellently articulated philosophy of death, &, yes, this does mean my entry is quite optimistically titled.)

29 April, 2012

Weezer

Weezer died.

He was the neighborhood cat, and was very friendly. I'd gotten to know him fairly well in my time here in Erwin, TN, mostly on account of him introducing himself to me when I first moved in. I fed him occasionally and spent more than a few afternoons talking and playing with him.

Born with the name Oliver, he led a long and happy life, growing up as a part of my neighbor's family. In late 2010, he had a tough battle with cancer, but survived. The tumor removed from his throat gave him the chance to enjoy another year of life, but at the cost of a need to constantly wheeze, earning him his nickname in old age.

I'll miss seeing him during my daily outings. I'd grown rather accustomed to seeing him whenever I'd go out for the day. I'll miss him.

Good-bye, Weezer. We had fun.

25 April, 2012

My Favorite Poems


I am not generally fond of poetry, but there are a few poems that really stand out in my mind. Seeing as how a friend decided she would celebrate Poem in the Pocket Day, I thought it might be appropriate for me to create a list of a few of my favorite poems to share with whomever it is that reads this blog.

The Tuft of Flowers


I'll start with Robert Frost's The Tuft of Flowers. It's about an afternoon groundskeeper who is going about his job mowing a large lawn with a scythe. He mulls over how his work keeps him alone, separated from contact with others, concluding that this is how all men work, even if they happen to have coworkers around them. Yet then he he notices a small tuft of flowers beside the brook that the morning mower had not cut. As he, too, decides to not cut these flowers, he realizes that he has made a connection with his coworker closer than most will ever achieve, even though his coworker works in the morning, and he never sees him face-to-face.

To me, the poem represents the wonders of the internet, where I can find and enjoy friendships that are rare to find "in real life".

Dover Beach


Matthew Arnold's Dover Beach is also quite moving to me, but not for the same reason most who like it cite. It is about the spiritual doubts of a believer who has his faith shaken by the realization that all he previously believed was false. It is a description of the pain one undergoes when they move from a belief in solid values to the seemingly obvious conclusion that the basis for all values are invalid.

As a rationalist skeptic, I no longer believe in "value" of the sort described in fairy tales or religion, so in a way, I identify strongly with the ending lines of Dover Beach. Yet I also have come to believe in the worthwhile nature of creating one's own value from the sea of valuelessness, sort of how J. L. Mackie describes his worldview on this issue.

Jabberwocky


My favorite nonsense verse is definitely Lewis Carroll (Charles Dodgson)'s Jabberwocky, from Through the Looking Glass. Carroll is a wonderful writer, especially when it comes to logical word play.

The poem is complete nonsense, yet it is a peculiar sort of nonsense that nevertheless makes sense. Even though every other word is made up entirely by the author, you can sort of make out from context what the poem is saying, which is a really strange thing in and of itself, if you think about it. Carroll has taken the idea of discerning a word through context and pushed it to its utter limits, by writing an entire poem that can only be understood through context. Yet even with no reference point to clue you in on what the poem is about, readers can nevertheless find themselves following the story as it is told.

Jabberwocky is an amazing construction to behold, and earns its spot on my list of favorites by virtue of its form rather than any of its contents, unlike most other poems on this list.

l(a

e. e. cummings' l(a is another poem whose form I cannot help but to admire. The structure of the poem is meant to represent a leaf falling -- the letters themselves represent the leaf graphically -- and the text reads "loneliness", with "a leaf falls" inserted between the first "l" and the next three letters: "one". The font used in the poem makes the "l" look a lot like the numeral "1". There is a lot going on in this poem, even though it consists of very few characters, and much of the meaning comes from the common trope among poems of his era representing loneliness by a single falling leaf. There is something about the way the typeface seems to show the leaf drifting from side to side as it falls that never ceases to get to me. l(a is definitely one of my favorite poems.

Dulce et Decorum est


Wilfred Owen's Dulce et Decorum est is a poem of war. It describes soldiers in the first world war dying from poison gas. Owens stringently denies Horace's famous line that "it is sweet and right to die for your country"by describing the true horror of war. I cannot help but to envision the scene vividly every time I read this poem, and the thought of people drowning where they stand turns my stomach every single one of those times. Patriotism is indeed one of the worst traits I can imagine that some people actually seem to think is laudable.

The Hollow Men


Perhaps my favorite poet of all is T. S. Eliot, and while The Wasteland is a masterpiece when it comes to literary appreciation, I nevertheless find myself always returning to The Hollow Men whenever I want to reread Eliot. If you have not read Dante, much of the poem will be lost on you, but assuming you are familiar with the works he alludes to, the message Eliot gives in this poem is both dramatic and powerful. There are even references to ancient Greek philosophy in there at the key turning point of the poem, so the only real way to read Eliot is with notes close at hand.

At its heart, the poem is about morality, focusing clearly on what the most immoral thing to do is. Although he does not reference it in the poem, the real issue here is that of Buridan's ass as it applies to choosing an ethical action. Inaction, Eliot attempts to point out, is the worst state of all when it comes to matters of ethics.

I'm sure that my personal interpretation is not shared by all readers of Eliot, but I like to look at it from a consequentialist point of view, instead of the religious view Eliot himself probably meant when he composed the poem. Even if your action results in worse consequences, one must at least attempt to do good in the moment. I look at the issue from the point of view of Bayesian probability with regard to consequentialistic choices; we are not all-knowledgeable, but we can calculate Bayesian probabilities, and we should undertake actions which Bayes would agree with, even if they result in worse consequences.

I fully realize that the last paragraph is not a standard interpretation of The Hollow Men, but it is nevertheless what I see every time I reread the poem. Eliot is trying to ensure we realize the true horror of inaction when we have reason to believe action should be taken. Being sinless is not enough -- we must also do in order to be rightly called good.

Paradise Lost


I will end with a poem too long to summarize in a few short sentences: John Milton's Paradise Lost. This epic poem is a retelling of the beginning of Genesis, describing the fall of Satan and the events of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. Strangely, the author says himself in Book One that the purpose of the poem is to justify God's actions, but my reading of the text is that Milton is doing the exact opposite. Satan's portrayal is dreadfully convincing. His argument that God's nature is tyrannical despite its benevolence is extremely powerful, and resonates even to this day.

My interpretation here is reminiscent of Henrik Ibsen's A Doll's House. Torvald is a wonderful husband in the sense that he is doting and kind. He takes care of his wife dutifully and kindly. Yet, nevertheless, their relationship is utterly horrid. As the man, he is in charge, so no matter how kind or good he tries to be with his wife, he can never interact with her on anything like an equal level. This power differential underlies every action he takes, even if he has no ill intent whatsoever. Despite his benevolence, the very fact of his position over her is what makes living under him so terrible. Even if he tries to connect with her on an equal level, it cannot work, because the fact remains that if he wanted to be mean, he could, and she would have no recourse.

Similarly, Satan argues that God, despite his benevolence, is nevertheless tyrannical. Following him is unjustified, even if he has nothing but good intentions at heart. Milton does not say this explicitly, but I understand the situation like this: The only way God would be justified in being a ruler over others is if the power of that rule comes from the ruled in addition to benevolence; benevolence is not enough. Imagine Ulysses in the scene of Homer's Odyssey where he must sail past the sirens. Ulysses is captain, and justly retains power over the sailors because the boat must have a captain in order to sail. Yet he voluntarily relinquishes this power to the sailors while they go past the sirens, since their calls will make him mad. Homer describes Ulysses tied to the masthead barking orders that the sailors justly ignore. In this moment, the sailors rule over Ulysses benevolently, but not in the same way Torvald or God does. The sailors do not rule over Ulysses because they are better than him, but because they were given the power to do so by Ulysses in advance. It is a combination of voluntary rule and benevolence that justify the sailors' domination over Ulysses. Meanwhile, both Torvald and God have only the benevolence part -- they do not have any voluntary rule, as Satan rightly points out.

Of course, from what I understand of history, John Milton did not share the interpretation I give in the above paragraphs when he wrote Paradise Lost. But I nevertheless see the above when I think of Satan's arguments against God's rule.

Conclusion


While these are just a few of my favorite poems, I have to admit that there really aren't that many more that speak to me at the same level that these do. My problem with ancient Greek poetry is that I know just enough koine to stumble through them in the original, making it extremely difficult for me to simultaneously follow complex literary themes. And I know no Latin at all, so most Latin poems based on wordplay do absolutely nothing for me. Meanwhile, more recent classics are hit or miss with me, and really depend on my mood. The above listed poems really and truly are the best of the best that I've run into so far in my life -- although admittedly I don't exactly read new poetry often, so I'm likely missing a number of gems out there.

If you take issue with any of my interpretations, feel free to let me know in the comments. I'd love to hear just how wrong I am about this stuff.

Thanks to Elizabeth Herboso for spurring me to compose this blog entry.