04 November, 2010

I hate myself.

I hate myself. 

I hate myself for working towards a goal I can never achieve. It is so obvious that I have no chance in hell, and yet I still work towards that goal unrelentlessly. I must be retarded or something. But even knowing this does not stop me. I still work for a future vision of myself that can never occur. I vie for a fictional woman I will never win over. I admit this to myself, and yet I still try. Why? What is so special about one woman? Could not I find dozens just as good (and in real life, to boot) elsewhere? Why bother myself with such a fruitless endeavor when I could instead enjoy my life as it is in the here and now? And yet... She has captivated my heart, and there is nothing I can do. I don't want to love her. I wish I didn't love her. But I do. 


I used to use Geoworks back when I was in elementary school. It was a nice little operating system. It did what I told it to do. But more importantly, it taught me a lesson that I will never forget. 

Interestingly, it only taught me this lesson earlier today. You see, Geoworks refused to save word programs as text files. It wasn't a big deal to me back then, but I remembered this inadequacy as I sat, filling out a form earlier today. The form asked dozens of yes/no questions, and I answered no on each and every one of them. But because I filled it out, I have an appointment with a counselor on the morrow. Today was the last straw. I can take no more. Yesterday, I could at least try to deal with my pain, but now... Now I am lost. Yesterday, I could at least talk to myself, but now, that luxury is gone. Today, I can no longer save as a text file. 

I hate myself. ::sigh::

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