Through talking to others over the years, I’ve learned that what I think of as my “conscience” is very different from the ordinary person’s conscience. While it is true that I do feel badly about certain things from time to time, they are almost never the same things that others continue to maintain that I should feel badly about.
Sometimes, when I am feeling particularly down, I look back on events from my past that I honestly regret:
- the fact that I borrowed money rather than earned money while in college
- the ignorant moment when I used the word “irregardless” in front of P in a non-ironic manner
- the continued purchases of video games that I could instead pirate & send the proceeds to needy families in Ethiopia
Some of these items include:
- losing control of my temper and destroying a dorm window w/ my bare hand, leaving others to pay the bill
- making fun of a fellow classmate nehind her back (longtime readers will remember her as Total Recall) just because I felt she was not a particularly ‘deep’ individual
- being physically violent with others in a most cruel and continual way during my first few formative relationships
But there are other items as well, including:
- looking at breasts, as aforementioned
- telling the truth in my public blog entries, even if they include another person
- claiming that I’ve been vegetarian for six years, even though I recently ate meat on purpose in a fit of depression (I justify this lie by being honest on this blog (and twitter) concerning it)
- not talking to nor particularly caring to get to know people who are, after all, my family by blood
- thinking God and religion in general is a plague on mankind that should be strictly controlled by atheistic forces
- not having nor desiring any contact w/ at least one genetic child of mine
To tell the truth, this diversity of opinion makes me happy. Personally, I think engineering is exceedingly boring when compared to theoretical physics, but I fully understand that engineers are needed for physicists to work their magic. It’s a good thing that different people have different things they like. Yet I still appreciate beyond measure the rare individual who shares my thoughts on these issues. For it is only with those such people that I can ever fully let my guard down and participate openly, as equals.
And that is an experience that I will always treasure.
I have long thought that philosophers, for example, come to their conclusions before developing their reasoning. You think things are right or wrong by some compelling forces within yourself, no matter how much you appreciate reasoning to the contrary. But that’s not what this is about, is it? You know this, and know that conversely, even if someone is intelligent and can appreciate your reasons for believing these things, they might still not sympathize, emotionally, with your thoughts. Your concluding sentence is ambiguous. It could be exultant — if you have found such an “experience” — or a cry of loneliness, if you are strongly feeling its absence. (For some reason I’m leaning towards the latter.)ReplyDelete
Sorry for not helping.
Did you need me to poke some holes in your reasoning? I thought my surrogate was taking care of that, but it seems that you’re toting about too much certainty these days.ReplyDelete
Appreciate this post. Let me try it out.ReplyDelete