08 January, 2003

Wasted Time

The following entry was written in the very early morning of January 8, 2003, while I was taking a break from moving into my new dormitory.

Well, here I am. How do I feel about this new change? At first, when I started college, I held on to my apartment, since it was the last remnant of specialty left to me. But now, even that is gone. Now, I am no better off than any others here...

I'm twenty-one years old now, and am very rapidly approaching twenty-two. But I only just started college earlier last year; this is only my second semester here at Spring Hill. I am the oldest freshman here; the next oldest only just recently turned twenty. Even he was only nineteen when he started here -- I, on the otherhand, was twenty-one.

I guess one could say I am finaly getting my life back on track... Strange how it derailed quite some time ago. Has it really taken me this long to recover? And yet, I still am not fully healed. I have lost every benefit I gained from my obtuse choices of years back... I no longer have a family, I lost my talent of music through years of misuse, I stopped going to Tae Kwon Do classes regularly, I stopped playing soccer, I no longer have my house, or even my apartment anymore, and I am really no better off monetarily than I was four years ago.

In short, I am like every other freshman here, except I am three years older.

Dr. Allin said that I had life experience, and that is a priceless thing tohave. He said that at least I appreciate being at college, whereas most other students simply do not care.

At the time, I agreed with him, but now I am not so sure. I mean, I know that I do appreciate being here, unlike most of the other students here. But do I appreciate it because of my life experience? Or would I have appreciated it just as well years ago if I had started college then, instead?

It is true that I did indeed start college for a short semester, subsequently dropping out after only a few classes. But this was quite some time ago, and circumstances were very different back then. It was at that time of my life that I first got off track... Dropping out of high school depressed me, even though I didn't admit it at the time. I can remember saying that I wanted to drop out, but the real truth is that I didn't. I felt as though I were forced out. I wasn't ready to grow up. Hell, I'm still not ready to grow up. I liked being on the drum line and the soccer team and just living the life of a high school kid. I didn't want to quit. I didn't want to enroll in college early; everybody at college was old, and I was still young. How old was I? 16? 17? Hell, I don't even remember off the top of my head. I was living in a nightmare that wouldn't end. But the worst part was that part of me actually enjoyed the nightmare... I liked the idea of college; I just didn't feel ready yet. No, that's not quite right... I felt ready, but I didn't want to be forced. I hated being forced. I felt like I had no choice; I absolutely had to grow up right then, and I had no say in the matter. It was horrible. I couldn't function like that. Not back then. Now, years later, were I in the same predicament, I might be able to handle it. But I must stress the word "might". After all, I may be a very different person now, but I no more wish to be forced into a situation now than I did back then.

So it is no surprise that I dropped out back then. But if we were to rewind time to a happier period in my life, to a time before that nightmare began, I think that I would have appreciated college. Sure, it would be a different appreciation from what I have now, but it would still be there just the same. Maybe I wasn't ready for college when I was 17, but back when I was fifteen, I was definitely ready. I'm glad I didn't drop out that early, of course, but this has nothing to do with my ability or anything similar; it is just that I prefer having had the experiences that I had in high school, right up to when that nightmare first began.

But ever since that derailment nightmare occurred, my life has been nowhere near where I wished it to be. What makes me feel so bad and depressed about it all is that I went through all of that derailment crap and I have nothing to show for it. Dr. Allin was wrong: I haven't gained appreciation; I had appreciation before I screwed my life up. No... I have nothing to show for it. Nothing.

What have I gained since then? A PS2, some power nine, and a discovery of Milton. But beyond that? Nothing.

Sure, I now have two very nice rocking chairs and an excellent TV, but this is immaterial. Even the soft sheets on my bed aren't that important. No, all I have is a PS2, which I would have bought anyway, some power nine, which I would have gotten anyway, and a discovery of Milton, which I would have discovered eventually anyway.

To think... All of these years of pain, and I have nothing to show for it. Everything I gained is crap.

Fuck life experience. I'm not happy for having had the experience that I had. The knowledge of how fucked up life can be is not worth experiencing how badly life might fuck you up.

Please excuse my language today. Writing this entry has not made me very happy, nor calm.

... I'd write more, but my hand hurts. Damn you, hand.

No comments:

Post a Comment