08 January, 1999

...afraid of me.

[As copied from the journal of one of my early girlfriends.]

I understand fully his want of another. How else would it be? I have been raised in a fairy-tale world where all is goodness and light. Where love is faithfulness and marraige is an eternal bond. He distrusts me. He can not rid his mind of my mother, of the idea that I am exactly like her. He still believes that I will leave him, that I cannot truly love him. He expects hurt and disloyalty, what reason does he have to give up his previous life? Why should he believe that my love is any different, exceptional in any way? He has grown to associate "love" with violence, violence with fear. It hurts me deeply to know what he has gone through, even deeper to watch him cower in a corner...afraid of me. I want him to know my love, not fear it. I want him to allow himself freedom...to learn to trust...to receive love. I need him to know how I feel. I need him to believe that I will never lie to him. I need him to trust me.

07 January, 1999

I'm ready for this to be over with.

[As copied from the journal of one of my early girlfriends.]

I'm ready for this to be over with. I'm tired of feeling useless, worthless, I'm tired of doing everything wrong. I'm becoming apathetic, the one quality I hate the most. I hurt my love constantly because of my lack of self control, and I feel a tremendous sense of guilt. To have the knowledge that it is I whom is to blame I who has ruined his dream world. I have shattered the dreams of the one whom I love and he is beginning to lose all hope. I am the one to introduce him to a reality which he hates, it is my doing and soon he shall resent me for it. I can feel it. I do not blame him. I blame myself for the greatest mistake I could ever make. God, please let him forgive me, let him continue to love me. I cannot do it alone. Eric, I need you... I love you.