tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11367545.post8498809059835487511..comments2024-03-23T08:38:29.067-04:00Comments on EricHerboso.org: Celes' Most Important QuestionEric Herbosohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07888413471076959781noreply@blogger.comBlogger16125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11367545.post-58457764698377050782012-06-09T13:46:55.887-04:002012-06-09T13:46:55.887-04:00I do promise a full critique in the morrow, but af...I do promise a full critique in the morrow, but after reading the first few paragraphs, I want you to look over a few things:<br /><br />First, ask yourself if you want this to be written in the style of a teenagers writing, almost like a third-person reminiscence, or are you writing as an adult, as the God of the story, about a teen. If the latter, you should proof read for things like eliminating unnecessary commas (for example, the intro sentence for the neighbor's passed wife), and altering word usage "something like three years" could be worded in a more eloquent manner.<br /><br />Second, simply go through for word usage edits. Things spellchecker wouldn't pick up. In some places already I've noticed oddly worded phrases, that extend beyond the phrase I referenced above.<br />Give it some thought, I'll return with a full critique. Happy writing!<br /><br />-SolSolhttp://www.reddit.com/user/SSaintnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11367545.post-79498348668296004382012-06-08T08:20:57.945-04:002012-06-08T08:20:57.945-04:00skimmed your short, celes' most important ques...skimmed your short, celes' most important question:<br />i think you could be more vivid. Less drawn on conclusions...<br />i did however enjoy the question created in the beginning...though i think interruption from mundane is necessary...<br /><br />''' no description of sounds", or if there were... not well placed. i will read it all later,(also, agreed with others, tell more about a character in description..(physical, .. and build more suspense by not including words like weird, paint them less obvious.. make her 15...jacobhttp://www.facebook.com/jacob.heughins1noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11367545.post-89707621415302739072012-06-07T10:28:48.359-04:002012-06-07T10:28:48.359-04:00I was not able to read the whole piece, but hopefu...I was not able to read the whole piece, but hopefully this will be helpful. Please reply if you disagree.<br /><br />||| "Yes, it was a good thing that her parents had to leave so very suddenly"<br /><br />I suggest that you delete this sentence, because you already said that in the rest of the paragraph...<br /><br />||| "Now be nice to Mr. Scythe while we're gone . . ."<br /><br />Please introduce this as a flashback, even just writing that the dad had said would help. I like the name.<br /><br />||| "He was okay so much as slightly weird old neighbors go . . ."<br /><br />Some telling is okay, but showing is more fun. Pun not intended...<br /><br />Is Tina important? If not maybe you do not need so much detail about her?NonsenseMyDearhttp://www.reddit.com/user/NonsenseMyDearnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11367545.post-28429473862226724772012-06-07T05:57:27.605-04:002012-06-07T05:57:27.605-04:00sounds like Sophie's world by Jostein Gaarder
...sounds like Sophie's world by Jostein Gaarder<br /><br />i was going to read it to give you some feedback but it was too long! maybe post a smaller excerpt and you might get better feedback.slatenesshttp://www.reddit.com/user/slatenessnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11367545.post-79211703644035785702012-06-03T15:59:22.681-04:002012-06-03T15:59:22.681-04:00Also, incidentally, I thought your character names...Also, incidentally, I thought your character names were fine. Not sure what that other guy is on about. And your prose itself is very well-written. You just need to cut it down a lot. Remember, tight and lean = better. Everybody starts out writing too much. Learning to cut your "babies" down is a part of the process.kyuzhttp://www.reddit.com/user/kyuznoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11367545.post-88911037727590935582012-06-03T15:39:16.264-04:002012-06-03T15:39:16.264-04:00A bit of nomenclature - there's pacing (of the...A bit of nomenclature - there's pacing (of the plot/story) and then there's suspense (not knowing what will happen next). Two separate issues. My point about suspense is just that its generally a bad idea to state the resolution of the story in the opening paragraph (of course there are exceptions, no absolute rules in writing etc.).<br /><br />But to answer your questions, yes I think that would be an improvement, in the sense that more of the story would be devoted to advancing the plot. I wouldn't worry about the fact that the main problem is being put aside to deal with a "side" problem. Rather I would focus on making the piece character driven, meaning that the characters should be free to act out their natural desires, and not constrained as vehicles to deliver a discussion based on your chosen theme.kyuzhttp://www.reddit.com/user/kyuznoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11367545.post-39497659419235222972012-06-03T14:04:51.789-04:002012-06-03T14:04:51.789-04:00Thank you for your excellent points.
If the scene...Thank you for your excellent points.<br /><br />If the scene were reworked so that Celes did not put her initial problem aside in the opening paragraph, but rather kept obsessing about it throughout the story, and if the back and forth between Celes and Scythe were instead framed as Celes trying to see if Scythe is trustworthy enough to ask about her question, would you be happier with the pacing of suspense?<br /><br />Or, would the fact that this entire scene is devoted solely to Scythe unknowingly earning Celes' trust also kill the pacing of the suspense, since the issue of the problem itself is still not being explored?Eric Herbosohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07888413471076959781noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11367545.post-41113219318017334322012-06-03T13:50:19.641-04:002012-06-03T13:50:19.641-04:00Personally, I feel that there is a third category,...Personally, I feel that there is a third category, where deeper meaning is conveyed, but is not seen as a stupid blatant riddle. As this is written for young adults, I especially would expect that, if they do "get" some of the extra meaning, then they will likely feel proud for having done so. I know that that was my standard response as a child.<br /><br />Also, I am hopeful that if someone happens to not get that extra meaning, then the fact that the extra meaning was even there to get will be invisible to them. Maybe I am overly optimistic in hoping for this, but that is my intent.Eric Herbosohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07888413471076959781noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11367545.post-92134016312932068872012-06-03T13:45:07.007-04:002012-06-03T13:45:07.007-04:00Thank you for your help in correcting some of the ...Thank you for your help in correcting some of the grammar. You're an excellent editor. (c:Eric Herbosohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07888413471076959781noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11367545.post-47031319998080903312012-06-03T13:44:13.420-04:002012-06-03T13:44:13.420-04:00Would it be more believable at 13 years of age if ...Would it be more believable at 13 years of age if I wrote longer pauses to give her time to think? Or is the quickness not so much the part that bothers you: i.e., your sticking point is mostly the fact that she can keep up with the philosophy at all?Eric Herbosohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07888413471076959781noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11367545.post-8509186288769652042012-06-03T11:37:15.177-04:002012-06-03T11:37:15.177-04:00I really liked it. It reminded me a lot of Sophie&...I really liked it. It reminded me a lot of Sophie's World, too. Although by a lot I mean I remembered reading it and nothing actually about the book or the story. Unlike the person above, I liked that you used Celeste, Sophie, and Scythe. One thing that bothered me is that I'm unsure how many 13 year olds are able to so quickly dance around concepts like she was. Might make it more believable if she were 14 or 15. <br />Let me know when you post more or finish it. I'd like to read the rest!Mendoekhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17624207438668071143noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11367545.post-26107486991342530312012-06-03T04:39:11.499-04:002012-06-03T04:39:11.499-04:00I received outside feedback stating that she seems...I received outside feedback stating that she seems obsessed at the begininng on this problem, but makes no mention throughout. This person's suggestion to me was to make it clear in inner dialogue that she can think of nothing else, and to perhaps use the ethics sequence as a way for her to test if the guy is worthy of asking help on the issue. I'm recording their feedback here for future reference.Eric Herbosohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07888413471076959781noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11367545.post-61227919969248564322012-06-03T03:43:40.056-04:002012-06-03T03:43:40.056-04:00You start with:
"It was certainly the most i...You start with:<br /><br />"It was certainly the most important question of her entire life. How she would deal with this situation could easily change everything."<br /><br />Great first sentences, as now we know there is a big problem that needs to be solved by our unnamed protagonist. Unfortunately, things go downhill from here:<br /><br />"But then again, that's why it made so much sense to postpone responding to it until she had given it more thought. Surely, if she gave herself enough time, the proper solution would come to her. After all, Celes always figured things out in the end."<br /><br />So by the end of the first paragraph, you've told us the problem is going to be solved when she spends more time thinking about it. Not a good way to drive suspense.<br /><br />The next portion of the story is too descriptive. We get a lot of background about Celes, her family, Mr. Scythe's family, her father packing, etc. etc. None of it seems necessary to me. Focus on Celes talking with Mr. Scythe, and show their personalities by the way they act, don't tell us what they're like.<br /><br />As for the plot, I don't think just inserting philosophical conversations into the narrative is going to entertain young readers especially. If you wanted to do that, you could make philosophical points while driving the plot forward, by having your characters act them out. Right now what you're doing is delaying the real plot (Celes needing to solve her problem) by inserting the conversation about ethics. Not that there's anything objectively wrong with it as written, but to me it reads like the story exists as a vehicle for a specific theme, rather than the theme emerging organically from the characters and plot.kyuzhttp://www.reddit.com/user/kyuznoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11367545.post-47129234310976201122012-06-02T21:16:13.707-04:002012-06-02T21:16:13.707-04:00I really enjoyed the read. I've already relate...I really enjoyed the read. I've already related to you my opinions on it, but I just wanted to state again what a wonderful job you did on the opening of your novel. It's really so interesting. I can't wait to read the rest of it.Robinhttp://www.robinraven.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11367545.post-27350253961058216602012-06-02T09:09:34.610-04:002012-06-02T09:09:34.610-04:00prelude: English is not my first tongue. And I do ...prelude: English is not my first tongue. And I do not know how to do a proper critic. But I enjoyed the read so here it is:<br /><br />I enjoyed the non philosophy part more. The question at the beginning then the weird personality of Mr Scythe was really enthralling.<br /><br />The only small stuff that had me suspend my disbelief for a second was Ceres "sort of" referring to herself as a "teenager" in the beginning. She dont do it per se, but it sound like she is referring to herself. And I doubt any teenager refer to themself as teenager. People call them so, and they dont like it (as far as my memory is concerned)<br /><br />The philosophy part was a bit lost on me, but that's cause I dont like philosophy too much nowadays. But younger I remember reading Plato or "Sophie world" (Gaarder) with quite a pleasure. The platonic dialogue is really a powerful tool. So it might very well please a teenage audience.<br />Choice of name: why? Seriously why does any serious topic put hidden meaning name in a story. Celeste, Sophie, Scythe.. why. I mean seriously. If you dont see them they are meaningless. If you do, you feel like the writer is trying to outsmart you. And if you understand their meaning (I didnt) you must feel like the writer was stupid with so blatant riddle. But J.L.Borges did put more emphasis on the problem of allegory than I can convey.<br /><br />Anyhow I might sound critical, but it was really well written and enthralling.oolihttp://www.reddit.com/user/oolinoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-11367545.post-85407705941356990692012-06-02T07:32:33.745-04:002012-06-02T07:32:33.745-04:00Congratulations. . .your writing skills are appare...Congratulations. . .your writing skills are apparent. .I can't wait to read the restFernando Herbosohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02726542598007243746noreply@blogger.com